Trying to think about everything I've learned and experienced is like trying to accurately portray my thoughts when I was 5. It just doesn't work. Your memories change over time, with the addition of other experiences that change your perception and analysis of the recordings in your brain. Your neuronal pathways may remain biologically the same, but your skills to analyze them grow and you constantly critically reflect on everything that's happened. We read a book called "Mi país inventada" (My Invented County) by Isabel Allende, which explores this idea in depth: how your perceptions about an event, or a whole country, depend completely on your emotions at the time of the experience and your emotions when you recall those memories. So, 9 days until Christmas, in my 3rd year of college, in the living room at my house in the US, here are my final (for now) reflections on my life in Chile.
I'm not sure how to start other than the cheesy but classic lesson most people learn while abroad: "Live life, dude." I learned how to really live in the present. In a previous post, I talked about how my constant need to plan and control was hindering my full appreciation of the experience I was living in Chile. Now at the end, I know I can live in the moment without worrying about controlling the future. What will happen will happen. Relax, and enjoy. I wouldn't have been able to form the relationships with people in Chile if I was worried about what would happen once I got back.
The ability to live in the moment depends on many things: being flexible and appreciating freedom. I would often ask my host mother what exact time we would leave to go somewhere, but I would never get a concrete answer. I would get frustrated and panic a little because I didn't have that structure that is so ingrained in my brain from the US. My home country is full of structures, institutions, and processes that create such an ordered society. But I became much more flexible and accepting of a little chaos and disorder, which ultimately gave me more freedom. Chile, although it attempts to mirror the US in many ways, has a different concept of time that helps create a more free society. You're not supposed to show up at a friend's house stressed or worried that you won't make it on time. Come when you're ready! It's not a big deal if you're half an hour late! It sounds like a superficial example, but it's hard to put into words the freedom I felt in Chile.
I also learned how to give myself what I want. As I learned to live in the moment, to be flexible, and to be free, I gave myself permission to explore other career options. One reason why I wanted to be a doctor, now that I realize it, is because I would have the next 8 or so years of my life "planned" out. Graduate from Grinnell, go to med school, specialize, residency, blah blah blah blah blah. But that's honestly just so stupid. I can't control my life that far ahead of me! So, I scrapped pre-med and will be taking classes in philosophy and history, along with my Spanish seminar on dialectology and neuroscience. I'm the most excited I've ever been for a semester at Grinnell. I gave myself permission to abandon a plan that wasn't making me happy, and permitted myself to explore something different. I'm thinking about maybe going into education, seminary, peace corps, Fulbrights... who knows where I'll be. And I love the mystery, there's so much more possibility.
It's hard to give yourself what you want when you don't trust your own gut. That's another thing I learned. I went to the Atacama desert alone, because I felt it was the right thing to do: I met people from all over the world and could look off into the sunset without feeling the need to talk. I made a last-minute decision to go to an event for exchange students in September because it felt like it's what I should do that night: I met some amazing people that were a huge part of the rest of my experience in Chile. I opened up to my host mother and talked with her like I would a good friend because it felt right: I learned so much from her that helped me process and understand more about Chile and myself. Sometimes you just have to go with what the back of your mind is telling you. That's where the richest experiences come from.
Some things that were reinforced:
-Listening to all the things my host family talked about and experiencing the temazcal ceremony (look it up, if I start describing it this post will never end) made me realize that I need to respect the delicate soil, plants, air, and water that make up our survival rock.
-Family is important.
-I have an absolute obsession with a language. Learning a new language literally opens up a whole new world and changes the way you think.
-God is awesome.
-A variety of opinions and viewpoints is what enriches our experience.
-I never really idolized the US, because it has some really disgusting history with its indigenous populations and its involvement with the Chilean dictatorship and Latin America in general. But there are quite a few things we do pretty well, like education. Even though there are ways it can always be improved, I'm so lucky I learned how to communicate and think critically for free up until college, and that I have lots of help to finish my education.
But now, the biggest challenge is fighting the routine imposed from the countless structures surrounding me in the US to keep all these lessons alive. I don't want to exist in the US and have my abroad experience shrink to just another chapter of my life that came to a close. I want it to continue living through me.
Thanks for reading this messy "conclusion",
Athena