Two years have passed since my mother passed away from a spinal cord injury received in 2004. I won’t extrapolate on the
pointlessness I feel of marking time; my brother Justin did that beautifully when he wrote a year after the day. And I won't go on and on about how much I love her and miss her and appreciate all she's done. That's just a given. Grief is an extremely personal journey, and I'm choosing to share part of that experience today:
People often mark the day a parent or loved one died as the
monumental life-changing moment: the gateway between one world where that
person exists and the other where they don’t. I don't mark Thursday, February 2nd, 2012 at 6:25 am as the monumental moment that changed my life. Yes,
many things were different after that day. I cried a lot, couldn’t sleep very much,
grades went down, I kept to my room like a hermit, and came home a few months
later to the wheelchair sitting eerily empty in the middle of the living room.
But some things were the same: I returned to track practice 4 days
after she died, and to classes and work a week after that. I did homework,
partied, did track, competed in meets, did laundry, showered, ate, and
laughed like any other student at Grinnell College. I was put together to get good grades and
be kind. I did all that before my mother died. Why
make my mother dying change the way I lived my life for the previous 19 years?
It worked for me: externally I got good grades, got into Grinnell, improved at track, and made new friends.
But internally it clearly wasn't working. I felt completely shoved to the ground and unable to think clearly. I couldn't concentrate, it hurt to cry, I couldn't relate to people or empathize. I said some very hurtful and horrid things to myself and just ended up damaging the person my mom tried her best to raise whole.
But internally it clearly wasn't working. I felt completely shoved to the ground and unable to think clearly. I couldn't concentrate, it hurt to cry, I couldn't relate to people or empathize. I said some very hurtful and horrid things to myself and just ended up damaging the person my mom tried her best to raise whole.
2nd year in fall 2012 was different. I
started talking. I started to unload everything I never talked about before
onto my best friends and roommates. In December 2012, they helped me admit to myself that
something was wrong in my life that needed to be processed. The system I
previously held myself to wasn’t working anymore. But a body in motion stays in
motion until some external forces come in and bang it around, jumble its system, and poke around at the bruises.
So, in December 2012, I started the reconstructive processes of forgiveness, self-realization, and
understanding with a counselor. By April 2013, I finally understood that I was allowed to cry without feeling weak, scream without being scared,
and ask for help without feeling guilt or shame. Since then, I've put those concepts into practice and they are continually reinforcing themselves: my summer, study abroad, and start of 2014 have been truly enriching and full of life.
I’m sure by now you’re bored of me talking about
myself. I guess what I’m trying to tease out here is that my life didn’t change until I had the opportunity to change myself. Now I look back on February 2nd, 2012 as the day that
dumped all the words at my feet, December 2012 as the time I admitted they were there, and April 2013 as the time I finally
decided that pouring them out to those I trust is ok. Since that day, I changed my mentality, my focus, my perceptions, my world view, my actions and reactions. These may be internal processes that don’t necessarily show themselves, but the way I feel is 180 degrees from where I was before. I still miss my mom so much it aches, but the anger and trauma and self-destructive hate are pretty much gone. I feel empowered: knowing that no matter what I’ve lived, I finally have the ability to choose
how it shapes my experience. I’ve
lived pain, but I experience relief. I’ve lived loss, but I experience gains.I abandoned pre-med, a plan that wasn't making me happy, and am now pursuing education. I've never felt more motivated to help other people have choice and access when it comes to their future. I can empathize and smile and talk with people and learn from them in a way I never have before. I have so much energy and mental capacity to devote to work, people, track, school, and myself.
Be open to processing everything that happens, be willing to accept events as facts but not as conditions, and grab the opportunities that alter your being. Once you recognize that facts are things that don't control you, you've created your own opportunity to change your experience. It's beyond challenging and difficult, but it's the best thing that can happen. Think about it: you have the ability to shape your own experiences! Learn, love, free yourself, be dynamic, do whatever makes you happy.
Paz, bendiciones, abrazos,
Athena
PS: Call your mother. :)
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| In her smile here I see the drive to always learn and experience the things right in front of us. Love you and miss you always, Mommy. |